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The Bible names three friends who came to Job to "sympathize with him and comfort him" (Job 2:11 NIV). As it turned out, Job would have been better off if these guys had just stayed home.
These three counselors apparently traveled a great distance, and when they arrived at Job's residence and caught sight of their old friend huddled out back on top of an ash heap, they were shocked right down to their sandals.
When they saw Job from a distance, they scarcely recognized him. Wailing loudly, they tore their robes and threw dust into the air over their heads to demonstrate their grief. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. And no one said a word, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words. (Job 2:12-13 NLT)
Believe it or not, that was the perfect thing to do. What Job needed right then was just someone to be with him. These friends started out with the right idea when "no one said a word."
We need to learn from example. When you spend time with someone who is suffering or grieving, don't feel that you need to necessarily say something "wise and profound," or try to explain the situation. To begin with, you don't know enough to explain anything, because that knowledge lies with God alone. And besides that, explanations have never healed a broken heart.
Sometimes the best thing to do is just be there.
And say absolutely nothing.
When our Lord was facing His imminent arrest and crucifixion, He was waiting with His disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane. To His three closest companions, Peter, James, and John, He said, "My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death." And then He said to them, "I want you to just stay with Me. Stay with Me and watch with Me" (see Matthew 26:36:44).
Watch with Me.
He didn't ask for a sermon, He didn't want an explanation, and He wasn't looking for someone to step in and fix His situation. In His humanity and in His sorrow that night, He just wanted a few friends around, that's all. And they were with Him, at least in body. Unfortunately, they couldn't keep their eyes open and slept right through His great anguish and struggle.
When someone is hurting, you just need to go to them. One of the best things you can say is, "I don't know what to say." Then take your own advice and don't say anything! If you do say something, keep it simple.
"I love you."
"I'm here for you."
"I'm praying for you."
As a pastor, I frequently have to walk right into the middle of human suffering. And when I get that call that someone's child or spouse has died, or someone has found out they have cancer, it's very hard to deal with many times. Even pastors don't know what to say at times.
But most of the time, my words aren't all that important anyway. I have found that by simply showing up-showing love, and a readiness to listen -- I've been able to bring comfort to these grieving ones. Sometimes, you ask the individual what he or she is facing, and then you just close your mouth and listen with both ears.
Many times, simply because they don't want to be uncomfortable, be rejected, or look silly, people keep their distance from those who grieve. Or if they do spend time with that individual, they will steer clear of mentioning the one who died.
That's no comfort at all.
The grieving spouse or parent wants that loved one to be remembered. Sometimes you can simply say something like, "I miss John. I wish he was here with us right now. But thank God we will see him again in heaven." You say, "Oh, I don't want to say that. They might cry."
Yes, they might. And a good cry might do them some good, too, as they are still dealing with the loss and mourning.
Many times, we will say things don't help at all, but actually deepen the sorrowing person's pain.
"I know how you feel."
No, you don't! So why say it?
"There's a reason for everything."
That may be true, but neither of you have any idea what that might be.
"Well, no one ever said life was fair."
What a rotten thing to say to someone in crisis!
"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger."
No. What idiot came up with that little gem?
"Well, cheer up. There's always someone worse off."
Believe it or not, I've heard that one many times. It has zero-no, negative-comfort value, and sounds about as callous as you can get.
"When life gives you lemons make lemonade."
Say that and your friend will be seriously thinking about hurting you.
"Don't worry. Be happy."
Now they are thinking of killing you.
"Have a nice day."
Now they will kill you for sure.
We have to give people, even fellow believers -- time and room to grieve their loss. We will say, "She's with the Lord now. She's happier than she's ever been. Don't cry."
What do you mean, "Don't cry"?
That's holding people to a higher standard than even the Lord does! The Bible says there is a time to laugh and a time to mourn. Even Jesus wept at the tomb of His dear friend, Lazarus. In the book of Acts, after Stephen was stoned to death by a violent mob, we read that devout men wept over him. It's okay to weep when you lose someone. But as the book of 1 Thessalonians says, we do not "grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope" (1 Thessalonians 4:15 NIV). We do have hope. We have strong, unquenchable hope that we will be with our saved loved ones in heaven, and share eternity together.
Job's comforters always get a bad rap, and deservedly so, but just remember something: At least they got it right in the beginning. They wept with their friend, kept their mouths closed, and sat with him on the ground for seven days before they said anything. We think we're being a martyr if we sit with someone for seven minutes. At least initially, Job's friends did the right thing. Scripture says to "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep" (Romans 12:15).
Greg Laurie
The Bible names three friends who came to Job to "sympathize with him and comfort him" (Job 2:11 NIV). As it turned out, Job would have been better off if these guys had just stayed home.
These three counselors apparently traveled a great distance, and when they arrived at Job's residence and caught sight of their old friend huddled out back on top of an ash heap, they were shocked right down to their sandals.
When they saw Job from a distance, they scarcely recognized him. Wailing loudly, they tore their robes and threw dust into the air over their heads to demonstrate their grief. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. And no one said a word, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words. (Job 2:12-13 NLT)
Believe it or not, that was the perfect thing to do. What Job needed right then was just someone to be with him. These friends started out with the right idea when "no one said a word."
We need to learn from example. When you spend time with someone who is suffering or grieving, don't feel that you need to necessarily say something "wise and profound," or try to explain the situation. To begin with, you don't know enough to explain anything, because that knowledge lies with God alone. And besides that, explanations have never healed a broken heart.
Sometimes the best thing to do is just be there.
And say absolutely nothing.
When our Lord was facing His imminent arrest and crucifixion, He was waiting with His disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane. To His three closest companions, Peter, James, and John, He said, "My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death." And then He said to them, "I want you to just stay with Me. Stay with Me and watch with Me" (see Matthew 26:36:44).
Watch with Me.
He didn't ask for a sermon, He didn't want an explanation, and He wasn't looking for someone to step in and fix His situation. In His humanity and in His sorrow that night, He just wanted a few friends around, that's all. And they were with Him, at least in body. Unfortunately, they couldn't keep their eyes open and slept right through His great anguish and struggle.
When someone is hurting, you just need to go to them. One of the best things you can say is, "I don't know what to say." Then take your own advice and don't say anything! If you do say something, keep it simple.
"I love you."
"I'm here for you."
"I'm praying for you."
As a pastor, I frequently have to walk right into the middle of human suffering. And when I get that call that someone's child or spouse has died, or someone has found out they have cancer, it's very hard to deal with many times. Even pastors don't know what to say at times.
But most of the time, my words aren't all that important anyway. I have found that by simply showing up-showing love, and a readiness to listen -- I've been able to bring comfort to these grieving ones. Sometimes, you ask the individual what he or she is facing, and then you just close your mouth and listen with both ears.
Many times, simply because they don't want to be uncomfortable, be rejected, or look silly, people keep their distance from those who grieve. Or if they do spend time with that individual, they will steer clear of mentioning the one who died.
That's no comfort at all.
The grieving spouse or parent wants that loved one to be remembered. Sometimes you can simply say something like, "I miss John. I wish he was here with us right now. But thank God we will see him again in heaven." You say, "Oh, I don't want to say that. They might cry."
Yes, they might. And a good cry might do them some good, too, as they are still dealing with the loss and mourning.
Many times, we will say things don't help at all, but actually deepen the sorrowing person's pain.
"I know how you feel."
No, you don't! So why say it?
"There's a reason for everything."
That may be true, but neither of you have any idea what that might be.
"Well, no one ever said life was fair."
What a rotten thing to say to someone in crisis!
"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger."
No. What idiot came up with that little gem?
"Well, cheer up. There's always someone worse off."
Believe it or not, I've heard that one many times. It has zero-no, negative-comfort value, and sounds about as callous as you can get.
"When life gives you lemons make lemonade."
Say that and your friend will be seriously thinking about hurting you.
"Don't worry. Be happy."
Now they are thinking of killing you.
"Have a nice day."
Now they will kill you for sure.
We have to give people, even fellow believers -- time and room to grieve their loss. We will say, "She's with the Lord now. She's happier than she's ever been. Don't cry."
What do you mean, "Don't cry"?
That's holding people to a higher standard than even the Lord does! The Bible says there is a time to laugh and a time to mourn. Even Jesus wept at the tomb of His dear friend, Lazarus. In the book of Acts, after Stephen was stoned to death by a violent mob, we read that devout men wept over him. It's okay to weep when you lose someone. But as the book of 1 Thessalonians says, we do not "grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope" (1 Thessalonians 4:15 NIV). We do have hope. We have strong, unquenchable hope that we will be with our saved loved ones in heaven, and share eternity together.
Job's comforters always get a bad rap, and deservedly so, but just remember something: At least they got it right in the beginning. They wept with their friend, kept their mouths closed, and sat with him on the ground for seven days before they said anything. We think we're being a martyr if we sit with someone for seven minutes. At least initially, Job's friends did the right thing. Scripture says to "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep" (Romans 12:15).
Greg Laurie
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